Performance Anxiety: 3 Things Every Parent of an Athlete Needs to Understand

Over the past decade, I’ve had the opportunity to develop high-level athletes at the high school, collegiate, and professional levels.

This week, I had a conversation with my son-in-law, who plays for the Los Angeles Dodgers and is preparing to compete for his third World Series championship. We discussed how athletes learn to deal with performance anxiety. One of the things we discussed was the importance of having safe places where athletes can communicate their fears and separate fear from truth. A bad game can become a bad week, and a bad week can stack up, creating anxiety that can eventually feel overwhelming.

But he kept returning to the importance of experiencing failure and learning how to navigate it. His failures and setbacks as a youth and collegiate athlete gave him tools, perspective, and resilience he might never have developed without those experiences. Those difficult moments taught him that failure doesn't have to define him. And that may be one of the most important lessons we can give our young athletes: Don't protect them from every failure. Teach them how to move through it.

Every parent wants their child to succeed.

We want them to work hard, be confident, reach their potential and take advantage of every opportunity.

But sometimes, without realizing it, our desire for their success creates pressure that can actually get in the way of it.

Performance anxiety isn't just being nervous before a game. When pressure becomes too much, an athlete can begin to fear mistakes, overthink, lose confidence and worry more about disappointing others than simply competing.

Here are 3 things every parent needs to understand.

1. Failure is part of success.

Failure isn't something we should constantly protect our kids from.

It's part of the process.

When parents become “helicopter parents,” stepping in every time their child struggles, loses, makes a mistake or experiences disappointment, we can unintentionally take away some of the most important learning opportunities they have.

Your child needs to experience failure.

They need to ask themselves:

That personal reflection creates revelation.

And revelation creates growth.

Our job isn't to eliminate every difficult experience.

Our job is to help our kids learn how to move through them.

2. Your child needs you to be a safe place to fail.

Think about what happens after the game.

When emotions, judgment and criticism come immediately after a mistake or loss, kids can start associating failure with disappointment from the people they love most.

Instead, create a question-based dialogue.

Try:

Then listen.

Your child doesn't always need an answer.

Sometimes they need the opportunity to find their own answer.

3. Teach your athlete to play free.

The goal isn't to raise an athlete who is afraid to make mistakes.

It's to raise an athlete who can make a mistake, reset and keep going.

Teach your child to focus on what they can control:

Help them develop their own ability to reflect, regulate their emotions and make adjustments.

That's how athletes learn to play free.

And playing free doesn't mean they don't care about winning.

It means they care enough to compete without being controlled by the fear of failure.

Why does this matter?

Because performance anxiety can become much bigger than sports.

Anxiety around performance can show up in the classroom, on a stage, playing an instrument, taking a test, giving a presentation—or eventually in their career and relationships.

When kids become afraid of failure, they may begin to hide, avoid, withdraw or look for unhealthy ways to cope with the pressure.

We want our kids to learn something much more powerful:

And most importantly:

That's where confidence begins.

That's where resilience grows.

And that's where our kids become free to discover just how much they're capable of.